A Writer's Quirk

My Dream

2008-08-30T00:05:00.001-07:00

Dreams are such a fragile thing. You need inspiration to create them, guts to follow them and stamina to see them through. Dreams seem at times impossible to achieve and hope vanishes at times. I've dreamt a lot. It's time to see them become reality.

My reality is full of obstacules. Between money problems, security, parents and fear, my dreams feel like miles away. It's time I go after them.

I'm prepared to work hard, make sacrifices, leave my fears aside and conquer.

My dream is simple: it's to work as an editor and/or writer for a magazine, for books, for a newspaper, for a webpage even. I want to mold things into perfection, or as close as they can become to it.

This is my start. I'm taking the first step.

Any Other Monday

2008-07-07T22:29:00.000-07:00

It's just one of those days where everything seems to bother me, nothing comes out right. I'm moody, I'm bitchy, I just really want to lie down. I can't wait to see you at the end of the day....and suddenly you're not there. There's something else, anything else...everything else. I just feel unwanted and bothersome. I want to sleep and I can't. My sleep is a nightmare, my dreams are reality, my reality is not enough.
It's just one of those days when emotions run high, where I scream inside and no one hears me, when I break down at the end and I feel alone. A runny nose is expected, tears just keep on falling; I can't breathe.
It's just one of those days that conspire against me. Everything I wanted to do was denied. I'm tired, really tired.
And in the end all I needed was a hug and for someone to cuddle up with me.
No es que "no me aguanto", es que te necesitaba.

Green Eyes

2008-05-18T23:40:00.000-07:00

Those green eyes that captivate my soul,
that rush me down a river of hope.

Feel my way down there,
show me how to live.

Meet me in the dark and lets kiss.
I want to show you something large and true.

Lets make some trouble together.

Run through that forest with me.
Follow the stars and fairies.
Forget the past and believe.

S-Y

2008-04-23T23:13:00.000-07:00

Everything makes me go back to this day, the day we met; and the weirdest part is I can't remember it. All I can see are colors, my favorite colors, and a smile that makes me wonder if there ever was another one like it.

Time has passed since then, but still, even in my dreams I remember those colors, that laugh, those feelings deep in my stomach that couldn't get out. I could feel everything.

It was the music, your eyes, your smile, maybe just the moment, but some things just transport me back to that magical place that may never be the same without you.

Some things aren't meant to be repeated, but us, well that's a history that's still in the making, perhaps in it's earliest stages.

A simple touch that never seemed like anything more. Meaningless conversations that were just a passing moment. Glances, laughs, secret smiles and looks that no one noticed but us.

Maybe it's just me, maybe it was the place, maybe it was something else...all I know is that it's just you and the music that makes me move.

So Young

2008-03-25T23:18:00.000-07:00

I'm so young. I realize that now. I don't ever want to grow up, because with age comes knowledge and with that responsibility...I want none. I want to be free of all ties, to run and dance, to live my life as I see fit without answering to others. But it's not meant to be. For with all that we touch, do, breathe; there are ties. Ties that can't be broken, ties that make us who we are, ties that define our very existence.

I'm young, I'm foolish, I'm imperfect; I'm human. But that's no excuse for what I do, for decisions I make that affect others; for hurting. My past mistakes were of no consequence because the only one affected by them was me. Now I have to consider others, to think more about what I do, to go beyond what I may want or feel and take the whole picture, not just my slice.

I'm so young but I feel so old. Deep in my bones there is a feeling that I've lived to be one hundred and back. It aches and with every movement I am reminded of who I am, of what I've done. With full knowledge, with eyes wide open, without lies or manipulation I did what I did and now am left to deal with the consequences. Consequences that will probably only involve my conscience, but that's more than enough for it lives inside me every second of every day and I'm reminded of my foul acts through out everything.

I'm so young that I didn't really know myself until it was too late; that I thought only about me like children do, that I didn't care about much but what I wanted.

I can't ask for forgiveness. I don't deserve it. But I'm still sorry.

Flirt addict

2008-03-04T16:29:00.000-08:00

Flirting. It's so innocent and joyful and the first steps to any relationship. Right? Wrong!! Well, about the innocent part. It can get you into so many kinds of trouble but it's oh so much fun!

I'm a flirt addict and I admit it freely. Don't think there's a cure for it though and frankly, I don't know if I want one. The trouble part, well all good things have a bad something attached. It's the ying and yang thing. It sucks.

So, to continue with our subject here's the thing: I've come to discover that there's good flirting and bad flirting (ying and yang stuff again).

Let's start with the bad.
Ever seen those people that just don't know when to stop? Well, kind of like that. They bat their eyelashes, they smile till you can see their molars, they talk non-stop and, what kills me every time, they touch constantly. Don't do this!!! Most people don't really like to be stroked every other second! Anyways the bad flirting doesn't stop there. Some just go to extremes like sitting in their laps, using the lollipop thing, licking their lips suggestively. I mean really, like that will ever work on a decent human being!! Sometimes I just want to shout "Get a grip on yourself!!!"

So, the good flirting now.
Good flirting is one that isn't really visible to the naked eye. You sense it more than see it. It's sexy and fun and incredibly effective. It's our greatest weapon when trying to catch someone's eye (so to speak).

Great flirts are those that just do it naturally. They don't plan it, or even think it through, it just happens and it works like a charm. It's not their dress or anything that obvious, it's more like their smile, the way they express themselves. These people know when to touch, when to smile and when to just stay quiet. They know that a look can mean everything. They know that subtlety is the way to go.

And what really makes flirting all that great is the thrill. That joy you get when the other person finally notices you and starts paying attention. That sense of knowing that you've got what they want, and it's all you.

So all that trouble that flirting causes? In my opinion it's so worth it, because a life without flirts and without flirting is just not worth living.

----(undecided)----

2007-08-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

He was young and foolish. The wind tore at his back and nothing moved. He was gorgeous. He was decadence, lighting and maleness and fire and wind. He was everything I was not.
She was loyal and free. She was good. Evil never touched her. Well, maybe it did. She watched from a distance at his long mane, his sexy gait, and his debonair.
The moon hung in the background like nothing was wrong. Moments were not deciding destinies. Fates were not playing with them.
The sun had set a long time ago…too long in fact. Midnight was approaching and still he stared.
“I love you” he said.
With wide eyes she moved forward and answered “I don’t”
With a touch to his face and dark eyes she left.
Heart broken and angry he walked away from the spot that held so much misery for him. It was not his first attempt. For years now he had been trying to find his perfect mate. His other half or soul mate. It was not to be. The moirae were ever watchful of humans and nothing lived for long. He had lived too long.
With sad eyes he turned the corner to find the girl of his dreams. Or so he thought. Two hours later as they talked he said “I love you”…the girl laughed, stood up and left.
It was no use. They all left. It wasn’t his fault he was desperate. Anything other that what lay ahead and he wouldn’t do it. But his destiny couldn’t be to live forever broken.

Over

2007-04-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

Some things should not be said, should never be mention, should stay tucked away deep inside the closet. Some things just should not be.

But for those that are this is what I say:

I've been here before. The story just repeats itself. I see new faces, new views, new environments, but the drama, the plot and the story line are all still the same.

So what should I believe from now on?

I want to dream of a new tomorrow. A new morning to wake up to, with different thoughts through my head. A sunny afternoon just laying in the sun.

I'm starting to let go of everything that used to hold me down. I'm moving forward bit by bit and slowly but surely gaining new ground.

I'm finally letting go of you.

Love Lost

2007-04-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. But is this really true? I’ve loved and lost and losing hurts so damn much that it’s not easy to say that I was better off loving and losing…I’d rather not have loved at all. The pain you get in your insides seems to go away for periods of time, but it’s not really gone, it’s just lurking around the corner, waiting for the right moment to attack again. This is a pain so debilitating, so harsh, that it incapacitates you to do anything but remember:
Remember the past. The days gone by where you were last happy.
Remember the smiles; those secret smiles you shared, those special moments that made your relationship.
Remember the expressions, the laughs, the different conversations, the touching and the kissing, the moments when he would just hold you.
Is all of that really worth the agony of so many months of pain, of suffering, of trying to think that this really was the best thing when you’re really not quite sure about it?
They say that if there’s something that you think about everyday then you should try it…but does it apply to all cases?
I wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew how to avoid suffering, but most of all I wish I would just get over you, because no matter how much I’ve tried or tried to convince everyone around me and myself that it doesn’t mean anything, deep down inside I still crave for you, I still want you and I still..........

Nothing

2007-03-04T20:44:00.000-08:00

Time has passed and things have gone numb. In some deep corner of my mind there still wanders a bit of doubt floating by. Was it ever true? Did it really happen? And then I realize that not only did it happen, but a big part of me left with it.

Oceans away it stands. It's a whole other continent, a whole other species, a whole other world. Imagine a life where everything we wanted could be obtained. There'd be no heartache, no troubles, no worries. Utopia.

A friend that understood; the unique quality of a person that made my world spin, that when everything stood upside down somehow managed to right it all for me.

But betrayal is something that runs deep down in the blood, it's something that we rarely forget, that we may never forgive, that keeps us all bottled up and insecure forever on. It's the worse kind of harm, of damage, it's something that destoys our inner beings, that leaves us with shreds of ourselves.

That scream that rent the air, that horrible sound that escaped from the fog, that echo that you heard from deep withing, it escaped from my lips as a call for help.

I know that there is no going back, no route of escape, no way of turning back time and that I should find the way to move on and forget what was. I'm hopeless, for as much as I try to forget, to forgive, to move on, I still think back and I realize that.....I miss you.

A Lie

2007-03-04T20:32:00.000-08:00

It’s no wonder that we go on dreaming as we have. All the things that surround us are just a shadow of what they really are. Nothing is real anymore.
Crossing a large meadow I forgot what I came for. A blue sky that turns to gray and the sun never shines again. It’s something out of a fairy tale. Something come out to haunt me.
I forgot what I am; my dreams and hopes all washed away. It’s creating a new person, a new character, a new image. And this isn’t really me, but it’s what I have to be right now.
I’m adapting to a new being, to a new body and a new world, for all that I thought was real proved to be a lie. Misery is just around the corner, eluding my view. It’s just as well for I have no strength to face it right now.
So this is me kidding myself, watching everything through tinted glasses. A black and white world turned blue. Shades of blue and green, everything failed to be what it seemed and it’s all just upside down.
I’ll go back to where I was, go back to the real me, go back to my original self where everything was real, or as real as can be, but first I must live out the lie, I must burn this stage in which I find myself so when I do go back to me, I know that everything is as it should be.

Positive

2007-02-28T20:40:00.000-08:00

It's a positive outlook on life. An imagination that soars and never falls. Curiosity never did kill the cat, but the cat sure got a hell of a lot smarter. Creativity is not something to be left aside but to cultivate and use in everyday activities. Never forget what happened. Don't do things and later regret. Enjoy every minute of life.

Things will always happen when we least expect them. Life has a tendency to surprise us at every opportunity; and what surprises have come my way.

I found that things are not as horrible as they seem. That there's always a positive side, something to learn, something to find and something else going on.

The sun, the beach, the moon and the stars all there for me, just waiting to be enjoyed...and I did.

~Dance Ocoa Dance~

Free Falling

2007-02-13T20:02:00.000-08:00

Senseless and lost in a myriad of colors that just won’t stop swirling over my head. And yet, those colors seem muted somehow by an indefinable scent. It’s lacking a certain something that will make me take that last step forward, to cross that sheer curtain and finally see what lies ahead. In any case, perhaps things were meant to be this way.
Feeling as if something is missing from my life; a void that can’t be filled. It’s probably just a simple thing, but simplicity has its charms and grievances. Somehow, I must go on.
I wonder though, would it be the same without that excitement and lack of breath that comes when something is just too interesting to pass up? It’s the idea of romance that is lacking, the feeling that someone is actually appealing to our senses in that impalpable way that, even when we know that our feelings are true, it escapes our notice how exactly did we turn up this way.
It is my belief that most of us fall not for the guy or girl, not for a physical attraction or an emotional one, but for the sake of falling; for that air rushing through your skin, that weightless sensation, for the feeling that there’s a purpose to dress up nice, to put on some make up, to don high heels and a dress when there’s really no special occasion. I once heard that it’s a lie to say that you dress for yourself, that there’s always someone who you dress up for, and after some careful thought, I couldn’t agree more. Maybe in some cases there isn’t a specific person, no real focus of attention, but in any case, it only means that you’re searching for it.
But how I crave that feeling of purpose, of intention…of falling. And even if this is a shallow reason to be with someone, it just feels so damn good.

A Challenge

2007-02-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

There are things that escape our notice. Perhaps that's not the right phrase; it's more that we know the theory and fail to practice it. It goes more along the lines of experience. So here's my story:

I knew things; or at least I thought I did. I always took pride in my knowledge, in my intuition, in knowing what was best in almost any given situation and never letting others take advantage of me. I thought this was all I had to know. I knew how to avoid certain states of affairs. Till one faithful day...

It was from that day forward that I realized: half of what I knew was wrong. The other half was so right it was almost scary.

For all the things I gave I received nothing in exchange. For all the attention I paid, none was paid to me. That day I learned not to give.

All my hope and faith got dashed away. Everything I believed in was proved wrong. That day I learned not to trust.

In such a short time I discovered that people will always try to take advantage, they'll trick you and lie right in your face. I learned that words are easy to say and not mean, that it's a comodity, a card to be played. I thought that by being honest myself others would find no reason to be otherwise with me, I was taught wrong.

I learned not to expect, not to believe, not to trust, not to give, not to show emotions...

I learned to hide what I feel under the biggest rock, to think only the worse of people, to show no tolerance for mistakes, to fail to accept excuses.

So what is really left of me? Everything and nothing at all. A thoroughly cynical person who can laugh and cry with the best but will always leave you wondering which is the true emotion. An illusion of what may be, a mystery to be discovered.

Give me a reason to trust and I will. Give me a reason to believe and I will. Give me a reason to love and I will.

Just don't fail to give me a reason at all.

A Wish List

2006-12-16T16:24:00.000-08:00

Oh! The illusions in my head. The things I wished for that never came. Behold once again how I fail to receive that for which I asked. Or maybe, I didn't ask for it right. If this is the case then here it is once again:

I wish for faifth. For that endless devotion that will make you stay even if things get tough.

I wish for patience. The tolerance to allow certain things that I don't understand.

I wish for strength. The power to stand still when I have to and to move when it is needed.

But most of all, I wish for attention. I wish for awareness, for consideration, for interest. These are the things that make or break relationships. It is attention that I crave, it is what I need and it is what I want.

I wish I didn't have to ask for it.

The Spine

2006-11-30T20:05:00.000-08:00

A strength that was always there. A presence that never went away. There, where that strength lies, happiness exists. It's always warm, always fun, always full of surprises. It's our point of reunion, our turning point, our home.

The spine: what holds us together, what makes every step feel like the right one. For every mistake there was always a friendly hand to lift you up. A cookie jar full for all our triumphs.

Thanks for making every moment special. For giving us a home full of love and joy. For lending a hand at every opportunity. For the smiles in the morning, for the pecan pies at Christmas, for Thanksgiving dinners, for all those mid morning calls just asking about us, to know how we are. Mostly, thanks for just being there and caring.

I love you grandma. Even if it didn't always show, I love you.

G-C-P

2006-11-30T14:24:00.000-08:00

This is the song and I do mean THE SONG! Most won't understand but this is a very special song that identifies 2 of my friends and me. Luv ya!

I thought I saw a man brought to life / He was warm / He came around and he was dignified / He showed me what it was to cry / Well you couldn't be that man I adored / You don't seem to know / Seem to care what your heart is for / But I don't know him anymore / There's nothing where he used to lie / The conversation has run dry / That's what's going on / Nothing's fine I'm torn / I'm all out of faith / This is how I feel / I'm cold and I am shamed / Lying naked on the floor / Illusion never changed / Into something real / I'm wide awake / And I can see / The perfect sky is torn / You're a little lateI'm already torn / So I guess the fortune teller's right / I should have seen just what was there / And not some holy light / But you crawled beneath my veins / And now I don't careI had no luck / I don't miss it all that much / There's just so many things / That I can touch I'm torn / I'm all out of faith / This is how I feel / I'm cold and I am shamed / Lying naked on the floor / Illusion never changed / Into something real / I'm wide awake / And I can see / The perfect sky is torn / You're a little late / I'm already torn / Torn

Back and forth and back again

2006-11-27T20:35:00.000-08:00

Unknown thoughts that were not spoken. Things that were shall never be the same again. A moment's passion, a passing idea, a thing that broke you was renewed. And there you stand, trying to go back, to regain that which you lost, but the fact remains that you can't relive the past.

A sword that was shattered was remade, but with whose hands and by what fire? Is it strong enough to last? To fight a losing battle?

Words were said and not meant. The real ideas behind them were tucked away to never be heard of again. Thus I ask, what did you gain? A meaningless day for you, a wonderful experience to others. Who's to judge the right interpretation of those event? Events that, like an avalanche, came crashing down, gaining strength, power and speed by the second, leaving no room for change; just destruction. But like every natural catastrophe after the storm comes the calm, where everything is renewed. So maybe this is the time for a fresh start, a new beginning. Then again, this could be the time of death. Where this moment of peace is but the eye of the hurricane and the rest shall come and destroy you once again.

The mysteries of hair color

2006-11-21T19:32:00.000-08:00

"I saw a butterfly. A pretty, blue butterfly. And it took me by surprise. A very joyful surprise. I wanted that butterfly. I wanted that butterfly to be mine. But the butterfly flew away. It flew away and left me behind."

-The thoughts of a blonde-

Some may wonder what it is exactly that I have against blondes. The truth is that everything and nothing at all. Let me explain: Blondes are stupid. Be they men or women (though guys tend to be stupid either way, but that's another story). The thing is that it's not exactly the hair color that ticks me off, it's the reason for the hair color. It's the perkiness, the stupid comments, the idea that if you're stupid you'll somehow be more attractive (a medieval belief that somehow has been maintained till the 21st century). You always hear about the blue prince in a shining armor. The white horse, the castle, the perfect couple. HELLO!! Give me a commoner in a rusty armor any time! Imagine having to deal with a perfect guy, with the perfect hair, the perfect body (though I can deal with the perfect body =P ), the perfect attitude, the patience, etc. It's enough to make me sick! So why in god's good name would you want to pretend to be the perfect anything?! The model thing, the Barbie thing, the stupid idea that you have to be anything else than what you are! That's what ticks me off about blondes! The idea that IF you're blonde you'll be better! Odds are, you'll be worse! There's a reason no one is born with the wrong hair color...why change it? And if you want to change it, do it for the right reasons! Not because you want to look like someone else!

Honestly, for me the worse part of these type of people are the perkiness and the endless patience. Perkiness...WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN PERKY ANYWAYS!!?? I mean, hey! be perky for a day or two! Even three or four!! But please don't tell me that your life is soooo great that every single day there's a reason for you to be perky! People that jump around you and pretend to always be happy. It's a cliche, I know but: you seriously don't always have to be happy! It's ok to be sad, grumpy, or anything else! Ok, so for the patience....the endless patience. The person that takes everything in stride, that never gets pissed off, that's always happy and ALWAYS understands. So, if I punch you in the face, will you understand THAT?! Don't understand! Scream! Shout! Be real!!

In the end that's the basic theme about this whole thing: Be REAL! Why is it that we never value ourselves. There's always someone better, something better, someone more interesting, someone prettier. There will always be someone better, but that doesn't mean that you aren't better at something else! In any case there is a limit to everyone. You can't be perfect and no one expects you to. You only have to try your best but, and this is a very BIG but, you don't have to lose yourself in the process! The blondeness, the perkiness, the patience, the split personality...is it really necessary? Just wonder what would happen if we all looked alike and acted alike. B-O-R-I-N-G So why be that person? Be mean once in a while, shout out for the injustice done to you, scream when you feel neglected, laugh if you feel joy, cry when you feel sad, but in essence, just feel and DO what YOU feel.

"I saw a butterfly. A pretty, blue butterfly. I wanted that butterfly so I took a bat. I swung at it and couldn't hit it. So I looked for something else. I saw an electric racket and I swung at it again. This time I hit it. So it got electrocuted and came crashing down. I looked at it. A pretty dead blue butterfly. Oh well. Goodbye dead blue butterfly." -The thoughts of a brunette-

Torn

2006-11-06T08:20:00.000-08:00

The black and white pictures that haunt me. The nothingness that just won't disappear. The illusion of hope that was taken away. The dream of love that was just broken, will never be the same again. So why do I keep going? Simple. Because in a corner deep inside me there still lies some remains of those things I lost; those things I might never regain in their entirety. A small piece of hope still beats, but, is it enough to live? Will I get through in the end with these ruined possessions, these parts of me that were left in tatters. I will sit on the sidewalk and watch the people pass me by. Entities that are whole, that haven't felt pain, that haven't experienced the loss I now feel. Human beings that love and are loved in return. Lucky citizens that may never feel wrecked as I do. And still I must go on. I'll pick myself up and live a shadow of what once was. I'll be but a shell of my former self and maybe with time I'll start filling it up. For a while I'll just be. An emptiness that didn't fade. A delusion that was worn to shreds.

Stupidity and it's limits....there are none

2006-11-04T17:17:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here's a doubt I have about stupidity and it's limits. I'm a "writer", or at least I like to call myself one. Besides that I already graduated from school and am in the middle of one of the hardest careers ever (architecture). So how come others manage to think or create a certain illusion inside their brains that I'm actually stupid? I mean, I read and write for a hobby, am highly argumentative and I analize everything you say to use against you later on. So why do some insist on contradicting themselves, lying right in my face and then think that I just didn't notice?! HELLO!!!!! Just because I don't comment on the stupidity of those contradicting comments doesn't mean I didn't listen to them! So here's my doubt as it is: how come, given the facts above and having knowledge of those facts, do certain individuals seem to either ignore or forget about them? Wouldn't it be better for your own sake to keep those kinds of things in mind when trying to argue against someone else? Or better yet, lie to another person?
*Tsk*Tsk* Some should really know better...

Let's just be

2006-11-02T07:46:00.001-08:00

It's amazing what people will do when they think no one's watching. Have you ever stopped and watched what people do inside their cars while driving? Some pick their noses (a very disgusting habbit I might add), others start dancing along and singing to the music their listening to, the women tend to put their makeup on and make all those funny faces you make while applying the face paint, some start simulating the instruments they hear....the list goes on and on. I mean really, PEOPLE ARE WATCHING!!! So what gives these individuals that sense of security that makes them feel as if no one's watching? The air conditioner. Yes, amazing but true. But more importantly than that, why do we, as human beings react one way when we're alone and another when we're in company? Why do we change our personalities to fit society? so, ok...maybe there are some habbits that shouldn't be exposed to the general public (the nose picking thing is one of them), but what about all the rest? Why not sing along and dance when people are watching? Why not play the imaginary guitar in front of a crowd? What do you care what people think?! They're watching you anyways when you drive and start doing all those things, but in that moment you just don't care. So here's what I propose: Let's start acting crazy all over. Let's break out of the mold. Let's dance and sing and shout, let's just be ourselves and see what can come out of it. Wouldn't you like to meet a real, crazy, fun, interesting person? I know I would! There are some people that already do it. The common definition or term used to describe them is "bohemians". Personally, I wish I were more like them. They have originality and style all over. They live and let live. So let's be that person, let's be interesting and fun. It's not such an impossible task....Is it?

Message In a Bottle

2006-09-09T01:48:00.000-07:00

I like you. I don't know how much, I don't know for how long will I feel this way and I don't know how to stop. I just know that for this moment in time; this minute, this second, I like you. I just thought you should know that.

Love

2006-09-09T01:36:00.000-07:00

What happens with love? How do you go from a rosy haze to black, gray and pain? Simple. When you finally realize what love is. It's the most selfish feeling, emotion or thing you'll ever do. You don't really ask the other for permission to love, you just do. It would be great if that person loved you back but that's not always the case. Few people get to be that lucky.
So what is love really? Love is the ability you give someone to either make you fly or make you fall. You give another person the power to make you either the happiest person on earth or the most wretched individual to ever walk this earth.
You get all mushy with them, you make sacrifices that hurt, you struggle to see only good, to in the end just fall down into a dark pit where you don't even see the light above.
Me? I like myself when I'm not inlove. I like being free of that. I like having an edge. I like my personality when I'm not trying to please others. I like being able to say when someone does some stupid thing and later not regret it. I like not being hurt.

Choices

2006-09-09T01:25:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be pushed. I don't want to be ushered. My feet feel unsteady ground and everything seems like quicksand. Time has a way of showing us the right path and the truth of things. I don't want to later regret it. I want to take my time. Things just don't feel right. I feel there's something else; someone else. It's too much way too soon. I'm still shy where I shouldn't be. I don't trust myself. Things get fuzzy and I get confused. I feel my heartbeat accelerate, my breath comes in short gasps and my knees go weak. I feel like clay. Something to mold to a whim. I want to be sure of myself. I don't want to be swept away. I want to stand firm. I need strength; the strength only time will give. I need a clear head. I don't like the fog around me. I...I'm not sure anymore. I feel too much presure. I feel too much.

Enough

2006-09-09T00:52:00.000-07:00

I believe in second chances. Heck, even third, fourth and fifth chances. But somewhere along the way you run out of chances and then it's time to deal with reality. What happens when all you have left is this? When you look back and see all the time you have wasted in nonesense?
There's no point in going on. Not really. So you just look for something else. You change paths and try to keep going. Your list of requirements gets larger, you learn more and have more experience for the future.
So when does it all stop? When do you tell yourself "This is what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life. This is what completes me."?
No one really knows where it's all gonna end. Well, no one really knows where it all started anyways. In your momma's belly? Before that? When you were 5 and fell of the porch? When someone first broke your heart?
Life's got a way of showing you that in the ultimate plan, you don't mean shit. Everything you do is meaningless. So we're stuck here, trying to figure who we are, what we're supposed to do and what everything really means.
Ever say to yourself "I've had enough! From now on I'll (Fill in the blank)". But later on you step on the same stone and fall, just like last time. Has it truly been enough? Or is it just something we tell ourselves to make us feel better and think that we're learning and growing up?
So what if you stumble and fall over and over again? Do you just keep picking yourself up and trying over and over again?
Every now and then we discover something new. We find something that makes us shiver all over and makes us feel all giddy inside. As always we're powerless to stop it. And then the illusion shatters and you see all the cracks that the paint covered; and still we go on.
We try to ignore those cracks and protruding weeds. We ignore all those ants and bugs that crawl over the object...and to later figure out that it was useless. You see it anyways and just can't stand it; the only difference being that you've wasted your time on it.
So there's nothing left to do but look for a new object. Try to figure out soon enough about all the nasty cracks this one has and learn a bit more. In the end all we have is a short time to spend. All the other things occupy our minds with useless bits of information and finally our limited knowledge fades away. Back into the earth.
"From dust you came and dust thou shall become" I guess the saying is true after all. Only, some people never really evolve to the second stage and retain some dust in their brains.

~Unfinished~

2006-09-09T00:15:00.000-07:00

Just look at the clock. It just struck twelve and everything is standing still. Not a mouse is moving, not a tree, not even the wind can whisper. Above all, I can't move.

Far away there seems to be a fading light. For once it looks clearer. Just a bit though. Enough to give me hope.

A moment passes by and I barely feel it. I just wander around hoping to stumble upon the path, the right path, my path.

I used to think I knew it all. Everything was simple; everything was easy. Then I crashed and my world came crashing with it.